I had a beautiful woman write to me this morning and ask:
How do I get back the intimacy I once had with my husband? I love him, but we don’t seem to be connecting anymore. We are really busy, but I don’t want to lose him…”
As I have just given birth to a very delicious, but somewhat demanding third son, this was an excellent question, sent at just the right time… Intimacy is a hot topic in our house – how to keep it, how to grow it, how to make sure it does not get forgotten under the enormous pile of laundry and dishes…
See, when we think of intimacy with our partners, we immediately think of sex. And sex is usually one of the first things to fall by the wayside in the rush of work, kids, house, friends, commitments etc etc ect. But intimacy is way more than sex… and great sex is absolutely all about incredible intimacy.
I once thought that sex was a stand alone activity, that the quality of was dependent on skill and participation – not so much about safety and connection. What I now know, is that without safety, connection, respect, time, intimacy, communication and vulnerability, sex can only ever be pretty fucking standard.
And I don’t know about you, but I sure as hell am not aiming for standard.
The research is in (in volumes!) and it clearly demonstrates that without all of these factors, women simply cannot get turned on to their full capacity. And if you are holding out, I promise you, your man is going to feel it – maybe not intellectually, but somewhere in his soul.
And so, the circle of mundane, ho hum, lack of connection , “is this all there is?” begins…
But how do you break that particularly sneaky cycle?
Wanna know my top 10 tips?
There is nothing sexier that being the centre of someone’s entire universe. Nothing screams “I love you” like being a priority. I think this is in every marriage how-to manual on earth – Make time for each other. Seriously, get the calendar out and put it in. It sounds daft, but at first, it has to be that way. Only you can figure out how often… My husband and I have an hour every night, that is just ours. Just to talk. Or sit and say nothing. But (and here is the magic part) there are no distractions – no phones, no TV, no books, no others… just us. And no, it is not always comfortable and easy, but it is OURS.
Touch each other. Consciously. All the time. Walk past him in the kitchen? Touch his arm. Kiss him before either one of you leaves the bed in the morning. Hold hands on the couch. Get to know a new part of his skin. What do his earlobes feel like? The corners of his eyes where his laugh lines are? The crease in his elbow… Touch, all the time, touch.
3. EYE CONTACT:
Remember how you used to gaze into one another’s eyes all the time? You can do that again you know….. When you are speaking to one another – look at one another. Listen. Don’t be checking your phone, or the mail, or watching TV. Watch their eyes…
We communicate deeply by sharing. We all crave more intimacy in this department. But it takes intense vulnerability and practice to be able to communicate well in a relationship. So practice! Take time to tell one another about your day – not what happened, but how you FELT during the day. Be honest. That way you become really good at sharing how you are feeling and what is working for you when you’re being intimate sexually. And don’t forget the other facet of communication that usually dies an early death in relationship – PRAISE. Compliment your lover, flatter them, tell them when they get it right, tell them they look good, smell good, taste delicious (and awesome at picking up dirty towels!). Be free with your praise. You love this person – tell them all the reasons why. Don’t forget you can write it down as well – love notes are awesome!
5. LEARN A NEW SKILL:
Do not think you are god’s gift as a lover. You are not, nor will you ever be, finished learning all the ways you can please your partner. Learn massage, learn tantra, learn to cook, or pole dance… whatever it is, just keep learning. We recently went to a 2 day workshop on Yoni Massage… Mind BLOWN. (More than once!!!) You can check out more about that adventure here
6. MAKE NEW MEMORIES:
Lots of couples say they feel stale after a while. If you are not sharing experiences together, you are going to run out of things to talk about, apart from the boss at work, what the kids are doing and who is not picking up their towels. Share new experiences, or re-ignite an interest in old experiences. The main thing is to be sharing time (there it is again!!) doing things you enjoy. Get adventurous too – this person is your life partner, that means you are meant to be LIVING together – take a class together, try a new sport or hobby.
7. LET THEM KNOW:
Social media has given us a whole new platform to be able to communicate with our lover while we are not together. Trust me, I know this one well. We were on opposite sides of the planet for 3 years!!! You can create intimacy even when you are not in the same place. Share your day, send naughty messages, love notes, pictures of what you are doing.. Let your lover know they are in your thoughts all of the time. Remember – like they used to be when you first got together?? Think like a teenager and go for it – you can never tell someone too much that you are thinking of them.
8. MAKE AN EFFORT.
My grandmother used to make sure she had a clean dress, perfume and fresh lipstick on every day before my Grandfather got home from work. I used to laugh and think it was the most anti-feminist thing – that she was “presenting” herself for his pleasure.
How wrong I was. It was for her. When we put on our favourite clothes, or oils, or make-up, or take a bath – make an effort – we feel good in our own skin. And when we feel good, we are far more likely to want to get sexy with our love.
9. TIME: (Take 2)
for awesome, uninterrupted sexual intimacy. Quickies are fantastic and definitely have their place in any couple’s sexual repertoire. But they should only be one of a huge variety of excellent sexual adventures you have together. But again, that takes TIME. If you don’t feel comfortable putting “Sex Fest” on the calendar, talk about ways you can make your sexual connecting time more sacred. Go away for a night, get a sitter, take an afternoon off work, go somewhere away from the house, turn your phones off, lock the door, bar the windows – whatever it takes.. If you want to get super delicious together, you can even look at going away on a dedicated couples retreat like this one…
10. MAKE PLEASURE A PRIORITY:
You can choose one of two ways to walk through this life: one foot in front of the other, plodding along, OR dancing wildly, indulging in every single moment. Just remember this – your time is limited, you will grow old, you will die. How you spend the time from right now, until then, is completely your choice. But if you want a juicy, intimate, heart centred, sexy-as-fuck relationship, then you will make pleasure, in every form, a priority, every single day.
PS: A note about gender… I have used the term Me + Him… because I am currently in a hetero relationship. Intimacy is intimacy and it is everyone’s right, so please feel free to substitute it with She +She or He + He or She + He + He + She… hmmmmmm…