This morning, for the first time in nearly 3 years I managed to punch out a wobbly, shaky, completely ungraceful run. It was tentative, slow and completely joyous.

You see, I used to be a runner. I loved it. 5K every morning, 10K just for fun. I ran to stay fit, I ran to stay thin. I ran for my head, I ran to stay sane.

I ran.

Literally.

In every aspect of my life.

Especially my emotional life.

 

Because, at my core, I am a runner. When things get too close, I run. When things get too hard, I run. When life is difficult, I run.  I had so many stories about how this was a healthy emotional response:

I am distancing myself from negativity

I am starting over

I am a gypsy

Nothing can tame me – I am wild & free

 

All of them were bullshit.

I was scared

And constantly running from anything that was hard.

 

Until I came up against this last 3 years.

Physical pain & injury stopped my body from running

Emotional pain stopped my heart from running

Severe anxiety stopped my soul from running

 

And finally, I had to be still.

I had to confront all the things I have been running FROM

I had to be with them, talk to them, lie down with them, get really close and have conversations with them. I had to play with them, work with them. I had to accept them, integrate them and love them. All the parts of myself I thought I could outdistance if I ran fast enough, have finally caught up and come home to my heart.

 

And it is in this moment, that I can finally begin to run again.

Towards today

Towards challenges

Towards love

Towards all of it

Towards myself.